Reality TV equals motivation in 'cardio theater'

There’s definitely something about watching a plastic surgeon do his or her work that makes you want to keep going on the treadmill.

Lately I’ve been hitting the gym pretty hard, and wherever there’s stationary bikes and elliptical machines there’s bound to be televisions these days. It’s called the “cardio theater.”

The gym at Southeastern, the Pennington Student Activity Center, has a cardio theater of about 12 television sets tuned to the old standbys — CBS, NBC, ABC, etc.

Gymgoers bring in their headphones and plug into a tuner that allows them to switch between audio feeds from the TVs, though the equipment at this particular gym is in need of repair.

One’s enjoyment of television, I’ve found, is directly proportional to the size and comfort of the couch one is lounging on to view it, most of the time. The tastiness of the accompanying snack or beverage seems to help, too.

It becomes a bit harder to enjoy, or even pay attention, to television when your heart rate is 170 and you’re dripping in sweat.

Luckily, someone at the gym had the foresight to park one of the TVs on E! Entertainment television. Because as much perkiness as Katie Couric brings to the “CBS Evening News,” hearing about suicide bombs and earthquakes doesn’t help a person’s drive to exercise.

On E!’s “Dr. 90210,” Dr. Robert Rey and his band of surgeons slice and dice lots of young women from Beverly Hills, Calif.

It’s a straight-forward reality show, minus the graphic plastic surgery footage. Viewers even follow Rey into his private life (on one recent episode Rey’s wife laments that their new house is — get this — too big). On another, Rey goes to Venezuela to try to figure out why the women there are so beautiful. Rey puts up with perfectly beautiful exotic dancers who apparently need bodily improvements in order to work. I pity them and turn up the resistance on my machine.

I’m more of a believable candidate for plastic surgery than 75 percent of Rey’s patients, but I like to change my body the old-fashioned way. It’s cheaper and a whole lot less painful.

It’s interesting to marvel at the shallow thought processes at work on the show, though. And watching someone get lipo-suctioned is a great motivator, for me at least.

But E!’s depictions of geniuses at work don’t stop there. “The Girls Next Door” centers on the charmed lives of “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends.

They basically play with their dogs, lounge by the pool and go on trips to Las Vegas every now and then.

One of Hefner’s girlfriends, Holly Madison, seems to have a bit of a business venture going on designing Playboy logo jewelry and clothing.

Bridget Marquardt, another girlfriend, actually has a bachelor of arts in public relations, a master’s in communication and is working on another master’s in broadcast journalism. But when she opens her mouth, she sounds like she’s in the eighth grade.

I guess I’m fascinated with the fact that power and money can make a normal-looking 80-year-old man attractive to 25-year-old women.

Or maybe it’s the fact that Hefner’s harem treats the “girlfriend” title more as a job, with other girlfriends leaving to pursue acting or modeling careers and asking another to be “main” girlfriend (that title belongs to Madison presently).

Either way, the combination of plastic surgery, fitness-crazed playmates and less-than-stellar IQs makes me feel really good about myself.

I’m not famous, skinny or rich, but I don’t need to be to be happy. E!’s mindless shows have shown me that, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

And if television can’t do that, what can it do?

Online gamblers wagering on the stars

For the last couple days I’ve been receiving promotional e-mails from online betting Web sites.

No, I don’t know the odds that the Saints will beat the Eagles this weekend. Nor did they offer tips to improve my poker game (not that I had one to begin with).

Instead, I learned that most BetUS.com users think Shanna Moakler would win in a cat fight with Paris Hilton. Moakler, a former contestant on “Dancing With the Stars,” is favored by 67 percent of voters over hotel heiress Hilton’s 33 percent.

The question arose after Moakler and Hilton both filed police reports claiming the other had physically assaulted them during a recent jaunt at Los Angeles nightclub Hyde Lounge.

According to the Associated Press, Moakler’s publicist said she was attacked by Hilton’s ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, who bent her wrists, poured a drink on her and shoved her down some stairs.

Sounds like a fun time.

Hilton had been romantically linked to Moakler’s ex-husband, Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker.

“Celebrity feuds are always interesting to poll, especially when they are involving two models/actresses,” stated BetUS.com spokesman Christopher Bennett. “I’m surprised that Paris had so many votes. Shanna is a mother of three; obviously she knows how to dish out punishment.”

Obviously, a bet placed on either flaky publicity junkie would never pay off. I’m pretty sure there won’t be a real-life Celebrity Death Match between these two anytime soon.

But people are betting on other entertainment-related news matters, such as who will win this season of “Dancing With the Stars” (Mario Lopez’s odds are currently 1 to 9) and which case will win the “Lucky Case Game” on Thursday’s “Deal or No Deal” (statistically those odds are the same for each of the six cases).

Intertops.com is even featuring betting on whether “American Idol” number six will be male or female. The show doesn’t even begin airing until January 2007.

My father’s big hobby is horse racing, so I know a little bit about betting myself. But you don’t have to know much to figure out that betting on the result of a show that hasn’t even started yet is pretty dumb.

Of course, you can always bet on sports. There’s everything from hockey to cricket, in fact. But you can also bet on the careers of sports stars themselves.

The hot topic back in April was the future of NFL football star and admitted marijuana user Ricky Williams’ career. Some options offered by BetUS.com were: Enters a Rehabilitation Center: 2 to 1; Joins World Football League playing for Amsterdam: 3 to 1; He and T.O. start an independent Pro Football League: 20 to 1; Becomes an odds consultant for BetUS.com: 4 to 1; Becomes the abbot of a monastery: 100 to 1.

Two of BetUS.com’s open wagers focus on Angelina and Brad: Will they get married by the end of the year? And, which country will they adopt from next?

Of course, all bets placed after the answer is public knowledge are null and void, but there’s apparently no tabloid rumor disclaimer.

Is “public knowledge” when it comes from the mouth of a star’s publicist, the author of magazine article or from the star himself?

Online gambling has erupted into a large but controversial industry during the past few years, with many of the Web sites operating out of foreign countries to try to avoid the differing gambling laws in each of the 50 states. But their publicity machines never stop turning.

The recent addition of video bingo in Tangipahoa Parish seems tame compared to this form of gambling, where life decisions are wagered on.

Maybe I should start an online gambling Web site, too. You, the readers, will be able to bet on how many times a year I’ll mention Britney Spears in my columns, or maybe what color shirt I decide to wear on Wednesdays.

Excuse me while I open a Swiss bank account...

'Must-see TV' back on NBC this fall

NBC is bringing back its Thursday night “Must-See TV Lineup,” but the shows are a far cry from the traditional late ‘90s fare.

Back then there was “Friends,” “Will and Grace,” and “Frasier.” All were smart, sassy Emmy-winning sitcoms that stuck to the traditional formula but improved upon it exponentially. With the help of syndication, I have probably seen each and every episode of those three shows. They broke new ground, and in some ways even changed society, especially “Will and Grace,” the story of a straight-girl-gay-guy friendship.

The NBC Thursday night prime time block stopped being so “must-see” right around the time someone thought “Friends” spin-off “Joey” would be a good idea. “Friends’” last episode ran on May 6, 2004. “Joey,” starring Matt LeBlanc, began its run soon after, but it was nothing more than a shadow of “Friends.” Ratings for the night plummeted.

But NBC is changing that with its current lineup, which includes comedies “My Name is Earl” and “The Office,” game show “Deal or No Deal” and the been-on-air-forever drama “ER.”

The two comedies, “Earl” and “The Office,” are special because they push the boundaries of the sitcom. Where the previous line-up improved upon the established formula, these shows turn the formula itself on its head. I would think they aren’t even classified as sitcoms as there is no studio audience and different production values. And instead of the relatively normal surroundings of New York City or Seattle, both shows are based in fictional locations. With all the crazy stuff that happens, suspension of disbelief is a necessity.

“Earl” is the twisted story of a mustached lowlife named Earl Hickey, played by Jason Lee. Earl develops a belief in karma after surviving being hit by a car and rediscovering a lottery ticket worth $100,000 soon after. The show is all about Earl and his “list” of wrongdoings he intends to repay. Since Earl is a former petty criminal, the payback situations are endless.

Earl’s world is a weird landscape of shady, unique characters — one doofus brother, a classless ex-wife, a one-eyed mailman and a hooker who works only in the daytime. And there’s a killer soundtrack.

“Earl” is part situation comedy and part goofy Ben Stiller movie, which makes it one of the greatest things on network TV.

Meanwhile, “The Office” uses the techniques of reality television to a hilarious result. Based on a British show of the same name, it is filmed as a mockumentary with no background music or laugh track. There’s an improvisational feel to the show, which is helmed by “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” alum Steve Carrel. Carrel’s character, Michael, is an awkward, unsocialized supervisor who always seems to mess up sensitive situations. Dwight is his nerdy-but-thinks-he’s-cool suck up assistant manager. The rest of the cast watches their antics in embarrassed horror and offer commentary via one-on-one interviews that remind me of “Big Brother.”

But there’s also a serious side to “The Office” with the romance between Jim and Pam. Thankfully, though, the series doesn’t delve into drama very often.

And then there’s “Deal” with host Howie Mandel. I wrote a column completely dedicated to the show a few months ago. I hate that I love this show. There’s no other word to describe it other than “addictive.” If you haven’t seen it, tune in to NBC at 8 p.m. Monday, Thursday or Friday. Even if you’re not a gambler, the adrenaline rush is hard to turn away from.

Finally, “ER” has been on the air since 1994. I used to be a religious viewer of the medical drama (to me it will always be better than “Grey’s Anatomy”), and thanks to the lead-ins, I’m becoming interested in it again.

All of these shows, too, besides the recently started “Deal,” have won Emmys. “Earl” and “The Office” have been on less than four years. That’s got to mean something.