'Idol' less about singing, more about sideshow

After experiencing five seasons of “American Idol,” singing tends to take a back seat to the cultural spectacle of this most ubiquitous of ubiquitous television shows.

What will I remember about Tuesday night’s episode? It won’t be Lakisha Jones’ impeccable vocal control. It won’t be Melinda Doolittle’s understated but powerful vocal style.

But I will remember the preteen girl in the audience who cried for the two-hour duration of the show. (I’m betting she cried during Sanjaya Malakar’s performance because she liked it, but one can never be sure.)

And I’ll remember how Blake Lewis’ “beatboxing” screwed up the perfectly respectable 1960s hit “Time of the Season.” Oh, and let’s not forget the premiere of Haley Scarnato’s legs thanks to her brown short-shorts.

After all, we’re talking about the season that gave us Antonella Barba, the arrogantly bad singer from New Jersey best known for her revealing “personal” photos on the Internet. And we’re only just boiling it down to the top 10.

It’s getting harder and harder for an “Idol” purist like me to fully embrace the show, but I have to admit, it’s hard to look away. I have favorites just like everyone else, but I actually listen to the performances and vote based on vocal ability. If someone has a bad night, I won’t vote for him or her. I tend not to factor in previous performances and cutesy gimmicks. (“Beatboxing” and “impersonating Justin Timberlake” are both in that category). I guess I’m the Simon Cowell of phone voting.

I performed in choirs, had voice lessons and actually got up and sang solo in front of packed gymnasiums in my lifetime, so I tend to think I can make informed opinions about the quality of “American Idol” vocals. Just the fact that oh-so-cool rocker chick Gina Glocksen is still in the competition tells me that America doesn’t share my view.

Over and over, Cowell has reminded us that this is a “singing competition.” In fact, I’ve heard those two words probably more this season than in any other. It’s a shame that we need to be reminded.

And it’s also interesting that the further the show drifts away from its stated purpose, the more respected it’s becoming. The short,informative documentary about the British musical invasion of the 1960s, the night’s theme, actually made me think “Idol” is a cultured, non-corny program. Really, those vignettes just show off host Ryan Seacrest’s narrating prowess.

But credibility doesn’t seem to be an issue for “Idol,” which consistently draws in top ratings each week. Yet there are a few other reasons people might just keep believing.

Two of them are Doolittle and Jones. While they don’t have the judges’ standard “uniqueness,” they do have judge Randy Jackson’s “Yo Factor.” These two are straight up talented singers. They don’t miss notes. They’re never “pitchy.” They just make it look all too easy. Jordin Sparks is up there, too.

The only guy I’m even remotely impressed with is Chris Sligh (the Jack Osbourne look-alike). He takes real risks with his song choices, and he’s got a voice that sounds unlike almost anything I’ve heard on the show before. Phil Stacey is in a distant second.

And even if you can’t find a thing to like in this year’s crop of “Idol” hopefuls, at least tune in to see what gay joke Cowell will hurl at Seacrest each night. And, don’t forget, you’ll definitely want to see what Malakar’s done to his hair.